i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
