i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Small penises have feelings too.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
