Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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