I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
