Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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