Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
