you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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