Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
