woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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