What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
