Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
