Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
