Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
