And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize