He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
