Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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