Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You may now shotgun with the bride
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
