In America we eat man semen.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Vodka?
Forever.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
