He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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