She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
