I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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