had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
