so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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