I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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