would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
