he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
