i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
