Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
