if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
