i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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