I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
