if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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