So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
