i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
