i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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