Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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