her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
