and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
