Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
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