I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize