ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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