i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
