Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
