had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
