I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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