I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
