i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
