You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I have tasted many bathrooms
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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