I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
