WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
high people should be assigned attendants
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
