i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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