The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
