i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
