mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
This house was built for laser tag.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
