no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
