My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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