I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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