My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
