I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
did i just pee glitter
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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