There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
